It feels like this world has been growing slowly upside down

I just realized how little I've experienced in my life. Sure, I'm only 19, but there are so many things I haven't done yet. So, I decided to try and compile a list. Kind of a bucket list... except less morbid. I don't plan on dying anytime soon.

10.) I want to travel like crazy. India, Italy, England, Paris, Scotland, Egypt, New York, Boston... there's lots of places I want to see.
9.) I want to take a long roadtrip with a car full of my best friends. Maybe across country.
8.) I want to be a true musician. I want to compile a band, and make music and play shows and have a crappy tour bus and record songs in my basement.
7.) I want to be in a show in Branson. I know this sounds retarded, but I love putting on shows and singing and bringing happiness to people.
6.) I want to go to NYC and audition fpr Broadway just for the hell of it.
5.) I want to go to a murder mystery party. I looove the idea of it... mystery intrigue and costumes?! I'm there!
4.) I want to be a part of a symphony. I just love playing in a massive group. I miss band so much!!!
3.) I want to move to a big city and be anonymous. in the words of Meg and Dia "I'm going away/ I'm going my way/ Finally it's my time to be lonely and lost unloved/ And I can't wait"
2.) I want to meet my favorite bands: The Hush Sound, The Cab, Jack's Mannequin, Meg and Dia and Never Shout Never! among some of them. I'd love to write with them too!
1.) I want to fall in love. Head over heels, take my breath away, forever and ever kind of love.

So there ya go. My top 10 things I want to do. Some of them are certainly attainable, and some of them are out in left field, but they are my dreams, and they are real.

Bring On The Rain, Bring On The Thunder

So, I have some new friends! Yay! Kristyn, Gyger, Earnie, Chad and Aaron! I met most of them a month ago, but gyger and chad i just met like last week! But they're all really boss, so who cares?! Jonathan introduced us, and its been bff's ever since! Dustin also hangs out with us, which brings me t the point of this entry...

We went out to Midnight Rodeo for Kristyn's 21st birthday Thursday. Dustin came, and barely talked to me, which was expected. But as soon as Jonathan and Gyger showed up and started flirting with me, he all of a sudden had to talk to me and joke with me. Wtf. right?! Well, he got mad that Jon and I went dancing without him, so he ignored me a little more until we got back to Gyger's. We all started drinking (me less than the others) and all of a sudden, Dustin pulls me into his lap and starts making out with me! This has happened before, so I just go with it. Pretty soon, we all decide to go to bed, so I follow Gyger to his room to sleep in his bed, and Dustin follows us. We're all okay, then Dustin starts getting sick and I can't remember much after that. I remember being really scared, and crying for him, because we thought he might have mild alcohol poisoning. Well, Chad took care of him from 3-7 while i tried to sleep, then i took care of him 7-10, which was easy bc he fell asleep. I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up at 10 with Ashley and Earnie, and got Dustin up at 11. Thankfully, he was coherent at least. Chad drove him and his car back to his place, and me and Earnie followed. We made sure he ate and got something to drink and took some Advil, then we left so he could shower and sleep some more. As we were leaving, Dustin kept thanking us for everything, and I just kept telling him he has taken care of me when I drink, so I owe him and things like that. Then I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I love you Dustin. I'll call you later, ok?" and he just looked at me funny, gave me another hug, and we left. I realized that afternoon that I really care about Dustin. I wrote him a nice little note, though he will never see it.

Dear Dustin,
You are so confusing. One minute you love me and we're bffs, and the next you hate me. I think you're jealous though. Jealous that Jonathan likes me and we flirt, and Gyger likes me and we flirt. You barely even talked to me until Gyger started hanging on me. There's no need to be jealous though. I like you a lot more than I like them. Even though I shouldn't. I think you're scared to like me, too, because it might be stronger than what you had with Paige. I'm scared too you know. Even with all the crap you've put me thru and all the crap I put you thru, we still end up as friends. And I still love you. I just wish you could see how beautiful we could be together, that's all. Last night also scared the crap outta me. I have never seen you that drunk, and I never care to again. I was so scared that you wouldn't be okay. I don't want you to scare me like that. You can ask Gyger or Earnie. I was almost in tears last night over you. I wish I could tell you how much I really do care for you. You need someone like me. I can take care of you and be there for you. That's all I want: to be there for you. I just wish you would realize all this. But I'm not sure you ever will.
Love,
Kelsi

It's not that I'm afraid of dying, It's just, I'm so afraid to live

I iwhs Icould write sommething profound. Something that would move someone. I really just want to get out of here, get away from everyone I've wronged. Yes, I'm running away. I'm just sick of disappointing people. I'm sick of caring too much. God forbid I care too much for a person. God forbid I try to talk to them when I see theyre doing destructive things to themselves. And God forbid I'm honest with them. I just don't understand where theyre coming from. I just want to go far enough away that no one knows me. No familiar faces or places, just me, myself and I. I want to be a loner and make music and experience things and fall in love. I want to be happy. Right now, where I am, I'm not happy. I'm making the best of it. Theyre two seperate things. Branson to me is a dead end. OTC is a dead end.

Step over that clever line,

Gotta figure out which side is right,

Choose a destiny to live by

If you wanna live or die or fight

And only one side wins

And what I think of this I don't know

It's not that I'm afraid of dying,

It's just, I'm so afraid to live

This pretty much sums it up. I love Meg and Dia. I love the fact that music can expllain something so easily when words fail me.