Bring On The Rain, Bring On The Thunder

So, I have some new friends! Yay! Kristyn, Gyger, Earnie, Chad and Aaron! I met most of them a month ago, but gyger and chad i just met like last week! But they're all really boss, so who cares?! Jonathan introduced us, and its been bff's ever since! Dustin also hangs out with us, which brings me t the point of this entry...

We went out to Midnight Rodeo for Kristyn's 21st birthday Thursday. Dustin came, and barely talked to me, which was expected. But as soon as Jonathan and Gyger showed up and started flirting with me, he all of a sudden had to talk to me and joke with me. Wtf. right?! Well, he got mad that Jon and I went dancing without him, so he ignored me a little more until we got back to Gyger's. We all started drinking (me less than the others) and all of a sudden, Dustin pulls me into his lap and starts making out with me! This has happened before, so I just go with it. Pretty soon, we all decide to go to bed, so I follow Gyger to his room to sleep in his bed, and Dustin follows us. We're all okay, then Dustin starts getting sick and I can't remember much after that. I remember being really scared, and crying for him, because we thought he might have mild alcohol poisoning. Well, Chad took care of him from 3-7 while i tried to sleep, then i took care of him 7-10, which was easy bc he fell asleep. I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up at 10 with Ashley and Earnie, and got Dustin up at 11. Thankfully, he was coherent at least. Chad drove him and his car back to his place, and me and Earnie followed. We made sure he ate and got something to drink and took some Advil, then we left so he could shower and sleep some more. As we were leaving, Dustin kept thanking us for everything, and I just kept telling him he has taken care of me when I drink, so I owe him and things like that. Then I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I love you Dustin. I'll call you later, ok?" and he just looked at me funny, gave me another hug, and we left. I realized that afternoon that I really care about Dustin. I wrote him a nice little note, though he will never see it.

Dear Dustin,
You are so confusing. One minute you love me and we're bffs, and the next you hate me. I think you're jealous though. Jealous that Jonathan likes me and we flirt, and Gyger likes me and we flirt. You barely even talked to me until Gyger started hanging on me. There's no need to be jealous though. I like you a lot more than I like them. Even though I shouldn't. I think you're scared to like me, too, because it might be stronger than what you had with Paige. I'm scared too you know. Even with all the crap you've put me thru and all the crap I put you thru, we still end up as friends. And I still love you. I just wish you could see how beautiful we could be together, that's all. Last night also scared the crap outta me. I have never seen you that drunk, and I never care to again. I was so scared that you wouldn't be okay. I don't want you to scare me like that. You can ask Gyger or Earnie. I was almost in tears last night over you. I wish I could tell you how much I really do care for you. You need someone like me. I can take care of you and be there for you. That's all I want: to be there for you. I just wish you would realize all this. But I'm not sure you ever will.
Love,
Kelsi

It's not that I'm afraid of dying, It's just, I'm so afraid to live

I iwhs Icould write sommething profound. Something that would move someone. I really just want to get out of here, get away from everyone I've wronged. Yes, I'm running away. I'm just sick of disappointing people. I'm sick of caring too much. God forbid I care too much for a person. God forbid I try to talk to them when I see theyre doing destructive things to themselves. And God forbid I'm honest with them. I just don't understand where theyre coming from. I just want to go far enough away that no one knows me. No familiar faces or places, just me, myself and I. I want to be a loner and make music and experience things and fall in love. I want to be happy. Right now, where I am, I'm not happy. I'm making the best of it. Theyre two seperate things. Branson to me is a dead end. OTC is a dead end.

Step over that clever line,

Gotta figure out which side is right,

Choose a destiny to live by

If you wanna live or die or fight

And only one side wins

And what I think of this I don't know

It's not that I'm afraid of dying,

It's just, I'm so afraid to live

This pretty much sums it up. I love Meg and Dia. I love the fact that music can expllain something so easily when words fail me.

I'll Find My Way But Until Then I'm Only Spinning

So Jacob's gone! I'm surprisingly okay with it. I'm talking to Josh again, and I think things between us are finally 100% over. I'm okay with that too. I've learned lately that you can make it through about anything if you want to. There's so many people out there that want to be miserable and that want to complain and blame others for what happens to them, but they can only blame themsleves. Holding onto your past only makes the present harder to grasp. You have to let go of any past wrongdoings or ill feelings to make room for new and better feelings and experiences. People often comment about how happy I am. It's because I've learned how to let go of the past and live in the present. i love where I am right now, even though I have no boyfriend, I live with my parents, and I'm going to OTC. I say the grass is greener on my side, because I'm lucky to have what I have. I may not have a boyfriend, but I have so many other people that care about me. I may live with my parents, but they keep me safe and sheltered. I may be going to OTC, but I'm going for free! People just don't realize how good their lives are, I guess. I don't know about you, but I couldn't stand being sad all the time. I get sick of those people very easily.

My Life Would Suck Without You

Wow uh... lots has happened.
I havent seen Josh in over two months. We're done. Screw him. Gah.
But about a month ago I became friends with a guy at school, Jacob. We dated about two weeks, and really like each other, but when I brought up committment, he shied away. We talked last thursday, and he said if this was still going on in a couple of months, then we would try the whole bf/gf thing. Well, that lasted about 48 hours. We were texting Saturday night, and he said there was something he wanted to ask me that couldn't wait til tomorrow. He then asked me to be his girlfriend! And I of course said yes!!! So yeah! Life's pretty good!

I must be dreaming

Wow uh yeah.... lots has happened.....

Josh and I are together...kinda. I called him after hanging out with Brandon on VDayand told him everything: i only wanna be with him. He said he wanted to talk in person. And we just made plans for Saturday, so im anxious to see ifhe saysanything.

school=good.

im tired.

nighty night

School is going well! I've got 3 classes with Ben Rupert, who I was in Journalism with last year, so I'm not without friends too much! So far it's easy and fun and kinda boring!

I went out with Josh on Friday. It was so amazing. I was driving home tonight, and I was thinking about him and he called me. I think I'm falling in love with him. Even though he's older than me and we're a tad different, he just gets me.

Anyway, I've got school tomorrow!

you know you love me

xoxo

Kelsi

Left my heart to accompany his nights

I have all my stuff for school in order! I did the whole e-cashier thing today, and tomorrow I'm going to get my books! I also have to take my laptop into Best Buy so they can fix my fan/weird noise. And then I'm goingto Barnes and Noble to browse/spend the gift card Kandi bought me for Christmas! yay! And Josh and I are hanging out again! yayayay! I think he might drag me to see The Unborn though... Scary movies and I do not mix! lol

I'm kinda excited to start school up. I'm taking classes Iactually like, which helps considerably! I just hope I know someone in each of my classes, but that's very doubtful. I do know I'll have Public Speaking with Samee! I just wish I didn't have to be in class at 8:30 two days a week. Oh well. At least my math class is late, so my brainwon't be all foggy from sleep!

Speaking of sleep, I need to get some!

You know you love me

xoxo

Kelsi