I began dating Dustin a while ago. He just recently got divorced, but we've been good friends for almost two years now. I've gone over and watched movies and stuff with him a couple times last week and the week before. I was really wondering if he even liked me, because he wouldn't even touch me. I finally took the lead and kissed him one night. Instant chemistry. He's the nicest sweetest guy, and I've always been really attracted to him, but he was married, so I never went there. But I'm SO glad I did. He's amazing. It's one of those attractions where you like kissing him, but it's made all the better because he's so adorable! I get dizzy with him. I forget to breathe. It's a wonderful feeling.
So, last night, I was out with the gang, and he texts me and asks me to come over, I said I would on my way home. I ended up staying the night. I wanted to memorize every word whispered in my ear, every sigh he uttered, and every smile he gave me. It was extraordinary. Never in my life have I felt like that.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
10 Things I'm Grateful For
I have decided that I like lists. I like writing them, reading them, and trying to make sense of them. I'm going to try to mkae my blogs in this new format: lists. So, here's another one.
A friend of mine recently found out her father has cancer. As I watched an update video from her on youtube, I realized how grateful I am that my own father is well. There are quite a few things that we don't even think about that we should be grateful for. Here's my list in no particular order:
- I'm grateful that my family is all healthy. Sure, my father is a diabetic and my mom has terrible hip problems, but none of that is immediately life threatening, thank God. I don't know how some kids do it when a parent has cancer. Hopefully, I'll never have to know.
- I'm grateful that I have a place to call home. And a nice one, too. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to live where I do and in the house I do, because this is the only house I have ever known. There are many people that don't know where they'll sleep that night, and I'm grateful I've never had to think about that.
- I'm grateful for the opportunites I've had. Not everyone gets to do everything in high school like I did, or go on every summer band trip that cost almost $1,000. I'm grateful my band director had faith in me and gave me the chance to audition for everything she could get me into.
- I'm grateful that I don't have to worry too much about money. I mean, yes, I do have to have a job, and I do have to pay my bills, but if I really need it, I know my parents would help me.
-I'm grateful that if I quit my job and moved to pursue some dream of mine (trust me, I have many dreams!) my parents would back me up, no matter how far it took me, or how stupid the dream is. My parents have always been very supportive of me, no matter what I did.
- I'm grateful I have the best friends in the world. If I need them, they're there for me 24/7. I love them to death!
- I'm eternally grateful for music. Whoever invented or discovered music has my eternal love. I love that music can explain myself better than I can. I love that you can take one single thought and write an entire song about it. I love that music really does bring people together, because music is a universal language.
- I'm also very grateful for books. They transport us to different places, times, even dimensions and let us forget whats stressing us at that moment. How authors can do that, I will never know!
- I'm grateful for all the materialistic things I have, like my clothes, car, the laptop I'm typing on at the moment. I know it sounds shallow, but I love my things.
-Finally, I'm extremely grateful for my family. They're my backbone. My mom and dad are the best parents anyone could ask for. They love me no matter how much I screw up. My sisters and brother are my best friends, and I couldn't picture my life without them.
I know I'm no saint, and I'm not trying to preach or anything, but a lot of us, myself included, forget the small things we need to be thankful for. So, write your own list of things to be thankful for! I like reading others lists and seeing what they are thankful for!
A friend of mine recently found out her father has cancer. As I watched an update video from her on youtube, I realized how grateful I am that my own father is well. There are quite a few things that we don't even think about that we should be grateful for. Here's my list in no particular order:
- I'm grateful that my family is all healthy. Sure, my father is a diabetic and my mom has terrible hip problems, but none of that is immediately life threatening, thank God. I don't know how some kids do it when a parent has cancer. Hopefully, I'll never have to know.
- I'm grateful that I have a place to call home. And a nice one, too. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to live where I do and in the house I do, because this is the only house I have ever known. There are many people that don't know where they'll sleep that night, and I'm grateful I've never had to think about that.
- I'm grateful for the opportunites I've had. Not everyone gets to do everything in high school like I did, or go on every summer band trip that cost almost $1,000. I'm grateful my band director had faith in me and gave me the chance to audition for everything she could get me into.
- I'm grateful that I don't have to worry too much about money. I mean, yes, I do have to have a job, and I do have to pay my bills, but if I really need it, I know my parents would help me.
-I'm grateful that if I quit my job and moved to pursue some dream of mine (trust me, I have many dreams!) my parents would back me up, no matter how far it took me, or how stupid the dream is. My parents have always been very supportive of me, no matter what I did.
- I'm grateful I have the best friends in the world. If I need them, they're there for me 24/7. I love them to death!
- I'm eternally grateful for music. Whoever invented or discovered music has my eternal love. I love that music can explain myself better than I can. I love that you can take one single thought and write an entire song about it. I love that music really does bring people together, because music is a universal language.
- I'm also very grateful for books. They transport us to different places, times, even dimensions and let us forget whats stressing us at that moment. How authors can do that, I will never know!
- I'm grateful for all the materialistic things I have, like my clothes, car, the laptop I'm typing on at the moment. I know it sounds shallow, but I love my things.
-Finally, I'm extremely grateful for my family. They're my backbone. My mom and dad are the best parents anyone could ask for. They love me no matter how much I screw up. My sisters and brother are my best friends, and I couldn't picture my life without them.
I know I'm no saint, and I'm not trying to preach or anything, but a lot of us, myself included, forget the small things we need to be thankful for. So, write your own list of things to be thankful for! I like reading others lists and seeing what they are thankful for!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Happiness is....
So I got up early today. I planned on waking up at 9 am anyway so I could maybe go to the gym with Kristyn, but at 830, I just popped up outta bed, grabbed a cup of coffee and am now sitting on my deck, looking at the gigantc expanse of my backyard. For some reason, this makes me happy. Something as simple as basking in the sunshine in the middle of nowhere in Missouri makes me smile. And that got me thinking. What truly makes me happy? Of course the obvious comes to mind: shopping, boys, friends etc.... but as I type this I'm slowly getting a specific list. And this list is pretty random too! But here we go....
-When my entire family comes over for dinner. There's a dozen of us, including my neices and nephew, and I love how we're all loud and talk over each other and eat way too much because my mom cooked way too much.
-Driving into Branson on my way to hang out with my friends. I crank up some music, roll down my window, and just know epic things are going to happen that night/day. And they do happen!
-Wandering around Branson on my off period during school. I go down to the Landing with a book, and sit by the water and read. Or, I catch Kristyn at the right time and go have lunch with her!
-Trying on dresses and skirts and heels at Maurices. I LOVE being girly sometimes and I wish I could afford their stuff because I can actually pull some of it off! I just bought a skirt there tho!
-Knowing that I have an entire group of people that will listen if I want to talk. And then give me advice.
-2 words: Kristyn Pair.
-When I find a new cd/band and completely fall in love with it/them. I get a tad obsessive tho...!
-sweettangerine.net I love all my boardie friends on this The Hush Sound fansite. We need to all meet in real life sometime.
-Putting iTunes on shuffle, and playing an old favorite song, which you promptly become obsessed with yet again.
-Passing a guy on the Landing or wherever, and they smile at you. It's A. a confidence booster and B. you can't help but smile back.
-Going out with my friends to a club or a bar and being the "crazy" one even though I'm sober!
-Persuading Kristyn out onto the dancefloor by going out alone for a couple songs and having creepy guys come up to me... that gets her out there with me really fast!!!
-learning a new song on piano. I just love music. Period.
-Getting in that intense writing period at 2 am and cranking out a decent song in ten minutes.
-The fact that even though my dad is 53, he never gave up on his dream, which is to write sings for a living/ play professionally like he used to.
-No matter how much I screw up or how far I go, I can always come home.
-Going to the lake and putting my feet in the water and just sitting. Thinking. Soaking it all in.
-Getting described as "Crazy, blonde, and my bff" (Thank you Kristyn!)
-Sunday mornings at aeropostale. I go in at 9am, and sweep and mop and have about an hour to myself, and the rest of my shift goes much faster :)
-When amazing things come from unexpected places.
-Knowing this summer will be amazing, because I will make it that way.
So there you go. I didn't mean to make it so long, so if you got bored reading it, I apologize. I just think we need to be happy with the small things. I'm happy about 99% of the time not because a lot of hugely good things happen to me, but because I know how to string together the little things to make one huge happy thing. (Does that make sense?!) I'm just saying having the newest car, or the best clothes isn't happiness, it's emptiness. You'll tire of those things and buy new ones. Things like friends and family that last forever are what bring you true happiness. Those moments of elation when you can't stop smiling, or when you laugh so hard Mike's Hard Lemonade comes out of your nose (yes that happened to me!) are true moments of happiness. You know, I can remember exactly what happened that night, but I can't remember what the hell I wore!
Revel in beauty, fall in love, and bring happiness.
xoxo
Kelsi
PS- I encourage you to write your own list of things that make you happy. I want to read some!
-When my entire family comes over for dinner. There's a dozen of us, including my neices and nephew, and I love how we're all loud and talk over each other and eat way too much because my mom cooked way too much.
-Driving into Branson on my way to hang out with my friends. I crank up some music, roll down my window, and just know epic things are going to happen that night/day. And they do happen!
-Wandering around Branson on my off period during school. I go down to the Landing with a book, and sit by the water and read. Or, I catch Kristyn at the right time and go have lunch with her!
-Trying on dresses and skirts and heels at Maurices. I LOVE being girly sometimes and I wish I could afford their stuff because I can actually pull some of it off! I just bought a skirt there tho!
-Knowing that I have an entire group of people that will listen if I want to talk. And then give me advice.
-2 words: Kristyn Pair.
-When I find a new cd/band and completely fall in love with it/them. I get a tad obsessive tho...!
-sweettangerine.net I love all my boardie friends on this The Hush Sound fansite. We need to all meet in real life sometime.
-Putting iTunes on shuffle, and playing an old favorite song, which you promptly become obsessed with yet again.
-Passing a guy on the Landing or wherever, and they smile at you. It's A. a confidence booster and B. you can't help but smile back.
-Going out with my friends to a club or a bar and being the "crazy" one even though I'm sober!
-Persuading Kristyn out onto the dancefloor by going out alone for a couple songs and having creepy guys come up to me... that gets her out there with me really fast!!!
-learning a new song on piano. I just love music. Period.
-Getting in that intense writing period at 2 am and cranking out a decent song in ten minutes.
-The fact that even though my dad is 53, he never gave up on his dream, which is to write sings for a living/ play professionally like he used to.
-No matter how much I screw up or how far I go, I can always come home.
-Going to the lake and putting my feet in the water and just sitting. Thinking. Soaking it all in.
-Getting described as "Crazy, blonde, and my bff" (Thank you Kristyn!)
-Sunday mornings at aeropostale. I go in at 9am, and sweep and mop and have about an hour to myself, and the rest of my shift goes much faster :)
-When amazing things come from unexpected places.
-Knowing this summer will be amazing, because I will make it that way.
So there you go. I didn't mean to make it so long, so if you got bored reading it, I apologize. I just think we need to be happy with the small things. I'm happy about 99% of the time not because a lot of hugely good things happen to me, but because I know how to string together the little things to make one huge happy thing. (Does that make sense?!) I'm just saying having the newest car, or the best clothes isn't happiness, it's emptiness. You'll tire of those things and buy new ones. Things like friends and family that last forever are what bring you true happiness. Those moments of elation when you can't stop smiling, or when you laugh so hard Mike's Hard Lemonade comes out of your nose (yes that happened to me!) are true moments of happiness. You know, I can remember exactly what happened that night, but I can't remember what the hell I wore!
Revel in beauty, fall in love, and bring happiness.
xoxo
Kelsi
PS- I encourage you to write your own list of things that make you happy. I want to read some!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
It feels like this world has been growing slowly upside down
I just realized how little I've experienced in my life. Sure, I'm only 19, but there are so many things I haven't done yet. So, I decided to try and compile a list. Kind of a bucket list... except less morbid. I don't plan on dying anytime soon.
10.) I want to travel like crazy. India, Italy, England, Paris, Scotland, Egypt, New York, Boston... there's lots of places I want to see.
9.) I want to take a long roadtrip with a car full of my best friends. Maybe across country.
8.) I want to be a true musician. I want to compile a band, and make music and play shows and have a crappy tour bus and record songs in my basement.
7.) I want to be in a show in Branson. I know this sounds retarded, but I love putting on shows and singing and bringing happiness to people.
6.) I want to go to NYC and audition fpr Broadway just for the hell of it.
5.) I want to go to a murder mystery party. I looove the idea of it... mystery intrigue and costumes?! I'm there!
4.) I want to be a part of a symphony. I just love playing in a massive group. I miss band so much!!!
3.) I want to move to a big city and be anonymous. in the words of Meg and Dia "I'm going away/ I'm going my way/ Finally it's my time to be lonely and lost unloved/ And I can't wait"
2.) I want to meet my favorite bands: The Hush Sound, The Cab, Jack's Mannequin, Meg and Dia and Never Shout Never! among some of them. I'd love to write with them too!
1.) I want to fall in love. Head over heels, take my breath away, forever and ever kind of love.
So there ya go. My top 10 things I want to do. Some of them are certainly attainable, and some of them are out in left field, but they are my dreams, and they are real.
10.) I want to travel like crazy. India, Italy, England, Paris, Scotland, Egypt, New York, Boston... there's lots of places I want to see.
9.) I want to take a long roadtrip with a car full of my best friends. Maybe across country.
8.) I want to be a true musician. I want to compile a band, and make music and play shows and have a crappy tour bus and record songs in my basement.
7.) I want to be in a show in Branson. I know this sounds retarded, but I love putting on shows and singing and bringing happiness to people.
6.) I want to go to NYC and audition fpr Broadway just for the hell of it.
5.) I want to go to a murder mystery party. I looove the idea of it... mystery intrigue and costumes?! I'm there!
4.) I want to be a part of a symphony. I just love playing in a massive group. I miss band so much!!!
3.) I want to move to a big city and be anonymous. in the words of Meg and Dia "I'm going away/ I'm going my way/ Finally it's my time to be lonely and lost unloved/ And I can't wait"
2.) I want to meet my favorite bands: The Hush Sound, The Cab, Jack's Mannequin, Meg and Dia and Never Shout Never! among some of them. I'd love to write with them too!
1.) I want to fall in love. Head over heels, take my breath away, forever and ever kind of love.
So there ya go. My top 10 things I want to do. Some of them are certainly attainable, and some of them are out in left field, but they are my dreams, and they are real.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Bring On The Rain, Bring On The Thunder
So, I have some new friends! Yay! Kristyn, Gyger, Earnie, Chad and Aaron! I met most of them a month ago, but gyger and chad i just met like last week! But they're all really boss, so who cares?! Jonathan introduced us, and its been bff's ever since! Dustin also hangs out with us, which brings me t the point of this entry...
We went out to Midnight Rodeo for Kristyn's 21st birthday Thursday. Dustin came, and barely talked to me, which was expected. But as soon as Jonathan and Gyger showed up and started flirting with me, he all of a sudden had to talk to me and joke with me. Wtf. right?! Well, he got mad that Jon and I went dancing without him, so he ignored me a little more until we got back to Gyger's. We all started drinking (me less than the others) and all of a sudden, Dustin pulls me into his lap and starts making out with me! This has happened before, so I just go with it. Pretty soon, we all decide to go to bed, so I follow Gyger to his room to sleep in his bed, and Dustin follows us. We're all okay, then Dustin starts getting sick and I can't remember much after that. I remember being really scared, and crying for him, because we thought he might have mild alcohol poisoning. Well, Chad took care of him from 3-7 while i tried to sleep, then i took care of him 7-10, which was easy bc he fell asleep. I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up at 10 with Ashley and Earnie, and got Dustin up at 11. Thankfully, he was coherent at least. Chad drove him and his car back to his place, and me and Earnie followed. We made sure he ate and got something to drink and took some Advil, then we left so he could shower and sleep some more. As we were leaving, Dustin kept thanking us for everything, and I just kept telling him he has taken care of me when I drink, so I owe him and things like that. Then I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I love you Dustin. I'll call you later, ok?" and he just looked at me funny, gave me another hug, and we left. I realized that afternoon that I really care about Dustin. I wrote him a nice little note, though he will never see it.
Dear Dustin,
You are so confusing. One minute you love me and we're bffs, and the next you hate me. I think you're jealous though. Jealous that Jonathan likes me and we flirt, and Gyger likes me and we flirt. You barely even talked to me until Gyger started hanging on me. There's no need to be jealous though. I like you a lot more than I like them. Even though I shouldn't. I think you're scared to like me, too, because it might be stronger than what you had with Paige. I'm scared too you know. Even with all the crap you've put me thru and all the crap I put you thru, we still end up as friends. And I still love you. I just wish you could see how beautiful we could be together, that's all. Last night also scared the crap outta me. I have never seen you that drunk, and I never care to again. I was so scared that you wouldn't be okay. I don't want you to scare me like that. You can ask Gyger or Earnie. I was almost in tears last night over you. I wish I could tell you how much I really do care for you. You need someone like me. I can take care of you and be there for you. That's all I want: to be there for you. I just wish you would realize all this. But I'm not sure you ever will.
Love,
Kelsi
We went out to Midnight Rodeo for Kristyn's 21st birthday Thursday. Dustin came, and barely talked to me, which was expected. But as soon as Jonathan and Gyger showed up and started flirting with me, he all of a sudden had to talk to me and joke with me. Wtf. right?! Well, he got mad that Jon and I went dancing without him, so he ignored me a little more until we got back to Gyger's. We all started drinking (me less than the others) and all of a sudden, Dustin pulls me into his lap and starts making out with me! This has happened before, so I just go with it. Pretty soon, we all decide to go to bed, so I follow Gyger to his room to sleep in his bed, and Dustin follows us. We're all okay, then Dustin starts getting sick and I can't remember much after that. I remember being really scared, and crying for him, because we thought he might have mild alcohol poisoning. Well, Chad took care of him from 3-7 while i tried to sleep, then i took care of him 7-10, which was easy bc he fell asleep. I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up at 10 with Ashley and Earnie, and got Dustin up at 11. Thankfully, he was coherent at least. Chad drove him and his car back to his place, and me and Earnie followed. We made sure he ate and got something to drink and took some Advil, then we left so he could shower and sleep some more. As we were leaving, Dustin kept thanking us for everything, and I just kept telling him he has taken care of me when I drink, so I owe him and things like that. Then I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I love you Dustin. I'll call you later, ok?" and he just looked at me funny, gave me another hug, and we left. I realized that afternoon that I really care about Dustin. I wrote him a nice little note, though he will never see it.
Dear Dustin,
You are so confusing. One minute you love me and we're bffs, and the next you hate me. I think you're jealous though. Jealous that Jonathan likes me and we flirt, and Gyger likes me and we flirt. You barely even talked to me until Gyger started hanging on me. There's no need to be jealous though. I like you a lot more than I like them. Even though I shouldn't. I think you're scared to like me, too, because it might be stronger than what you had with Paige. I'm scared too you know. Even with all the crap you've put me thru and all the crap I put you thru, we still end up as friends. And I still love you. I just wish you could see how beautiful we could be together, that's all. Last night also scared the crap outta me. I have never seen you that drunk, and I never care to again. I was so scared that you wouldn't be okay. I don't want you to scare me like that. You can ask Gyger or Earnie. I was almost in tears last night over you. I wish I could tell you how much I really do care for you. You need someone like me. I can take care of you and be there for you. That's all I want: to be there for you. I just wish you would realize all this. But I'm not sure you ever will.
Love,
Kelsi
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
It's not that I'm afraid of dying, It's just, I'm so afraid to live
I iwhs Icould write sommething profound. Something that would move someone. I really just want to get out of here, get away from everyone I've wronged. Yes, I'm running away. I'm just sick of disappointing people. I'm sick of caring too much. God forbid I care too much for a person. God forbid I try to talk to them when I see theyre doing destructive things to themselves. And God forbid I'm honest with them. I just don't understand where theyre coming from. I just want to go far enough away that no one knows me. No familiar faces or places, just me, myself and I. I want to be a loner and make music and experience things and fall in love. I want to be happy. Right now, where I am, I'm not happy. I'm making the best of it. Theyre two seperate things. Branson to me is a dead end. OTC is a dead end.
Step over that clever line,
Gotta figure out which side is right,
Choose a destiny to live by
If you wanna live or die or fight
And only one side wins
And what I think of this I don't know
It's not that I'm afraid of dying,
It's just, I'm so afraid to live
This pretty much sums it up. I love Meg and Dia. I love the fact that music can expllain something so easily when words fail me.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I'll Find My Way But Until Then I'm Only Spinning
So Jacob's gone! I'm surprisingly okay with it. I'm talking to Josh again, and I think things between us are finally 100% over. I'm okay with that too. I've learned lately that you can make it through about anything if you want to. There's so many people out there that want to be miserable and that want to complain and blame others for what happens to them, but they can only blame themsleves. Holding onto your past only makes the present harder to grasp. You have to let go of any past wrongdoings or ill feelings to make room for new and better feelings and experiences. People often comment about how happy I am. It's because I've learned how to let go of the past and live in the present. i love where I am right now, even though I have no boyfriend, I live with my parents, and I'm going to OTC. I say the grass is greener on my side, because I'm lucky to have what I have. I may not have a boyfriend, but I have so many other people that care about me. I may live with my parents, but they keep me safe and sheltered. I may be going to OTC, but I'm going for free! People just don't realize how good their lives are, I guess. I don't know about you, but I couldn't stand being sad all the time. I get sick of those people very easily.
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