Friday, October 3, 2008
I sink into myself, Afraid of the fall that never ends
So, I'm completely totally fed up. Nothing is going right. I had a great time with Micheal, then he ignores me. I havent heard from him since Monday or Tuesday. Then my friend Jonathan introduces me to his roommate Dustin, and him and I instantly became friends. He seemed really nice, and we hung out Thursday. We both had a lot of fun, tho all we did was walk the Landing and watch movies, I still had fun. Nothing much happened, but we both confessed to liking each other, and I thought everything was good. Well, he texts me later that night and says he's going to Ava to see his parents. His roommate/my friend Jonathan texts me and says he went to his ex girlfriend's house. I'm like oooookay. Weird. Turns out he broke up with her right before he met me to hang out Thursday, and I guess he went to Springfield to see her because he regrets the decision to break up. I'm so pissed off at this point, I just broke down. I haven't cried that hard since the whole Chris fiasco back in January. It just feels like I'm unwanted. I've just been thru so much emotionally this past year I'm not sure how much more I can take. And the more I think about it, the more I cry. I just can't help it. Anyways, Dustin keeps saying he feels bad, and he wants to make it up to me and he's sorry. And I just tell him there isnt enough I'm sorry's in the world to make me feel better, and there's nothing he can do to make it up to me. I mean, I really liked him and felt comfortable with him. I fell asleep in his arms for God's sake! I trusted him. And less than 12 hours later he totally screws it up. It's not fair. Why do I have to go thru this with every guy I meet? Maybe I'm too trusting. My dad says I have an old soul, and their usually really trusting. But this really hurts. Everything that has happened in the past year is catching up with me. My heart feels cold. Literally. The space in my chest where my heart is feels like its an icebox. And I hate to be all depressed and emo-ish. I really want to feel better, but I'm not sure if I can feel better this time.
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before scottie, two months was a long relationship for me too. i kept dating guys that my friends said were "buttholes." lol i didn't like myself, so i kept ending up with guys that just wanted to use me, and for some weird reason, i let them. when scottie came into my life, i felt love. not like, "i love", but like "he loves...me." know what i mean? when we had to put my step-daughter back on that airplane in kc to go back to san diego after a whole summer with us, i cried so hard. but later that day, i realized that was the first time i'd cried in over a year. i had actually forgotten what it was like to have a broken heart. and babe when you meet that guy, the one who will never hurt you, abuse you, embarrass you, degrade you...it's like a whole new world is opened up to you. it's like you can do anything because in his love, you are finally free to love yourself. it's the most wonderful thing in the world when you finally realize that you're so lost in a love that you never ever want to find your way out, but to just get lost deeper and deeper until the rest of the world just fades away, and all that's left at the center is the two of you. that's when old souls like us find happiness. you have to love yourself pretty girl. it's easy to do. i love you and i've only met you twice!
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