Chopin-Raindrops Prelude.

A lot has changed this summer. Summer 09 really sucked, but it had a couple high points. One of them being my new friend Josh.
I met Josh when my cell phone started to act up. I took it into the Alltel in Branson Hills, and this goofy guy came over and started talking to me about it. An hour later I walked out with his number in my phone and a new friend. Josh is older than me and married. I was very cautious to even start talking to him, but he added me on myspace and facebook and soon we were texting and talking 24/7. We quickly realized how much we have in common, especially music and movies. We also want to get the hell out of this small town and do something worthwhile with our lives. We adopted an honesty policy with each other, and told our deepest secrets. We still kept our relationship strictly platonic until Tuesday. We were joking around in the back room at Alltel on Josh's lunch break telling stories and joking around. I was standing in front of him, jokingly beating him up, and we kissed.
I have never had a single kiss be so powerful.
All it was was one quick kiss on the lips, then we both pulled away. We were both shocked it happened and I felt like it was all my fault, so we barely talked that night. I decided to just keep being his friend and we caould go back to the strictly platonic relationship we had before.
The nextday I went into Alltel before class like nothing happened. We laughed and talked and had fun, and when I left, Josh hugged me. Not just a normal friendly hug but a too-long hug. The kind that makes you feel like you never want to let go. And I didnt want to let him go. I finally did, and when we pulled apart, Josh looked into my eyes and said good-bye. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach and my heart leap into my throat. You don't look at just anyone like that.
Today, (thursday) I ended up meeting him for lunch. A safe, casual, public outing. It didn't help. We were still ourselves. Still flirting and making too much and too long of eye contact. Talking about work and life and music and food (: I went back to Branson and went to class, text him all thru class, called him when I got out, and talked to him for a good hour. Then, when I got home, we text all night. I brought up the shitty situation were in, and he hates the circumstances. I said that this may all blow over in a couple weeks, but I'm really unsure of everything. he says "If I were single itd be one thing... but unfortunately (and this sucks to say) I'm not. It's so hard from this side. I've never EVER connected with someone like you." I asked him if he thinks we could be soulmates, he says its always been on his mind. I feel like this is all so unfair. Josh is just an amazing person. He makes me laugh so much, we have so much in common and the feelings I have for him are real. If only I would have met him 5 years ago. He says his wife is holding him back from fulfilling his life, and he loves me (as a friend!) because I encourage him to do things his wife sees as unnecessary, like going back to college, or moving away from here (Seattle preferably). He told me one late night that he wants to change lives and make an impact... no one thinks like that anymore. Everyone wants to make money. I feel like he is with the wrong person. He should be with me.

Let the future pass, don't let go

I stayed the night at Dustin's last night. We rented movies and played with Donzi and hung out with his parents... and talked. A lot. He gets jealous when I speak of other guys, and I finally called him out on it. I told him, like he tells me, that we're not together so there's no reason for him to get jealous. He says he doesn't care about these other guys (there really aren't any other guys) but I can tell he does. I told him later on, that he can have me right now if he wants me. He said he does want me, he just doesn't want to rush anything. We've only been dating for 3 months. He's being guarded which i understand but at the same time, I just want to be together. I love spending time with him. I'm happiest with him. I'm my best self with him. We finally turned off the movie last night and usually when I sleep over we're on totally seperate sides of the bed, but he cuddled up right next to me, put his arms around me and kissed my head. I kept waking up during the night, and he would always have some part of him touching me. His foot hooked together with mine, holding my hand,his arm around me... He woke up in the middle of the night and got up to get a drink and when he came back to bed, he pulled me closer to him, kissed my shoulder and went right back to sleep. I woke up to him ruffling my hair and looking in my eyes. I feel like I'm on the edge of something really great with him. I feel like I could love him, and it would come very easily and naturally.

You Make Me Happy <3

It's been far too long. I apologize for my absence dear blog!

Right now, it's the very middle of what I consider to be summer. I'm sitting on my deck, on the new sofa my mom bought with the crickets chirping loudly and a slight breeze touching my shoulders. The only thing I can seem to think about lately, and especially on a gorgeous night like tonight, is Dustin. How I like just being near him, listening to him talk. I love to make him laugh. He has the cutest little laugh. It spreads across his entire face and makes his eyes sparkle and his mouth turns up into the most adorable grin. I love to hear him talk, too. He always throws something random in just to make sure I'm listening, which I always am. He talks with his hands, even while driving. He looks me in the eye when he speaks. He's sincere. He doesn't put his hands in his pockets, but would rather put his hand in mine. He gets protective when we go out in public. He's soft spoken on purpose, so I have to get closer. He hates my sense of style, but loves what I wear. He thinks my biggest body part is my heart (when in reality it's my hips) He doesn't mind that I ramble a lot. He calls me cookie (long story). He doesn't laugh when I get scared at movies. He gets jealous but never tells me what I can and can't do. He lets me pay for myself. He's perfectly happy staying at home and renting a movie. He's in love with.... his dog. He still tells his mom I love you when he leaves her house. Her house is literally 100 feet away. He doesn't care what others think. He makes me laugh with his random Chewbacca stories. He leaves me speechless when he just looks at me for no reason. He makes me the happiest I've been in a long time.

xoxo
Kelsi

Having Trouble Sleeping

I began dating Dustin a while ago. He just recently got divorced, but we've been good friends for almost two years now. I've gone over and watched movies and stuff with him a couple times last week and the week before. I was really wondering if he even liked me, because he wouldn't even touch me. I finally took the lead and kissed him one night. Instant chemistry. He's the nicest sweetest guy, and I've always been really attracted to him, but he was married, so I never went there. But I'm SO glad I did. He's amazing. It's one of those attractions where you like kissing him, but it's made all the better because he's so adorable! I get dizzy with him. I forget to breathe. It's a wonderful feeling.
So, last night, I was out with the gang, and he texts me and asks me to come over, I said I would on my way home. I ended up staying the night. I wanted to memorize every word whispered in my ear, every sigh he uttered, and every smile he gave me. It was extraordinary. Never in my life have I felt like that.

10 Things I'm Grateful For

I have decided that I like lists. I like writing them, reading them, and trying to make sense of them. I'm going to try to mkae my blogs in this new format: lists. So, here's another one.

A friend of mine recently found out her father has cancer. As I watched an update video from her on youtube, I realized how grateful I am that my own father is well. There are quite a few things that we don't even think about that we should be grateful for. Here's my list in no particular order:

- I'm grateful that my family is all healthy. Sure, my father is a diabetic and my mom has terrible hip problems, but none of that is immediately life threatening, thank God. I don't know how some kids do it when a parent has cancer. Hopefully, I'll never have to know.

- I'm grateful that I have a place to call home. And a nice one, too. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to live where I do and in the house I do, because this is the only house I have ever known. There are many people that don't know where they'll sleep that night, and I'm grateful I've never had to think about that.

- I'm grateful for the opportunites I've had. Not everyone gets to do everything in high school like I did, or go on every summer band trip that cost almost $1,000. I'm grateful my band director had faith in me and gave me the chance to audition for everything she could get me into.

- I'm grateful that I don't have to worry too much about money. I mean, yes, I do have to have a job, and I do have to pay my bills, but if I really need it, I know my parents would help me.

-I'm grateful that if I quit my job and moved to pursue some dream of mine (trust me, I have many dreams!) my parents would back me up, no matter how far it took me, or how stupid the dream is. My parents have always been very supportive of me, no matter what I did.

- I'm grateful I have the best friends in the world. If I need them, they're there for me 24/7. I love them to death!

- I'm eternally grateful for music. Whoever invented or discovered music has my eternal love. I love that music can explain myself better than I can. I love that you can take one single thought and write an entire song about it. I love that music really does bring people together, because music is a universal language.

- I'm also very grateful for books. They transport us to different places, times, even dimensions and let us forget whats stressing us at that moment. How authors can do that, I will never know!

- I'm grateful for all the materialistic things I have, like my clothes, car, the laptop I'm typing on at the moment. I know it sounds shallow, but I love my things.

-Finally, I'm extremely grateful for my family. They're my backbone. My mom and dad are the best parents anyone could ask for. They love me no matter how much I screw up. My sisters and brother are my best friends, and I couldn't picture my life without them.

I know I'm no saint, and I'm not trying to preach or anything, but a lot of us, myself included, forget the small things we need to be thankful for. So, write your own list of things to be thankful for! I like reading others lists and seeing what they are thankful for!

Happiness is....

So I got up early today. I planned on waking up at 9 am anyway so I could maybe go to the gym with Kristyn, but at 830, I just popped up outta bed, grabbed a cup of coffee and am now sitting on my deck, looking at the gigantc expanse of my backyard. For some reason, this makes me happy. Something as simple as basking in the sunshine in the middle of nowhere in Missouri makes me smile. And that got me thinking. What truly makes me happy? Of course the obvious comes to mind: shopping, boys, friends etc.... but as I type this I'm slowly getting a specific list. And this list is pretty random too! But here we go....

-When my entire family comes over for dinner. There's a dozen of us, including my neices and nephew, and I love how we're all loud and talk over each other and eat way too much because my mom cooked way too much.

-Driving into Branson on my way to hang out with my friends. I crank up some music, roll down my window, and just know epic things are going to happen that night/day. And they do happen!

-Wandering around Branson on my off period during school. I go down to the Landing with a book, and sit by the water and read. Or, I catch Kristyn at the right time and go have lunch with her!

-Trying on dresses and skirts and heels at Maurices. I LOVE being girly sometimes and I wish I could afford their stuff because I can actually pull some of it off! I just bought a skirt there tho!

-Knowing that I have an entire group of people that will listen if I want to talk. And then give me advice.

-2 words: Kristyn Pair.

-When I find a new cd/band and completely fall in love with it/them. I get a tad obsessive tho...!

-sweettangerine.net I love all my boardie friends on this The Hush Sound fansite. We need to all meet in real life sometime.

-Putting iTunes on shuffle, and playing an old favorite song, which you promptly become obsessed with yet again.

-Passing a guy on the Landing or wherever, and they smile at you. It's A. a confidence booster and B. you can't help but smile back.

-Going out with my friends to a club or a bar and being the "crazy" one even though I'm sober!

-Persuading Kristyn out onto the dancefloor by going out alone for a couple songs and having creepy guys come up to me... that gets her out there with me really fast!!!

-learning a new song on piano. I just love music. Period.

-Getting in that intense writing period at 2 am and cranking out a decent song in ten minutes.

-The fact that even though my dad is 53, he never gave up on his dream, which is to write sings for a living/ play professionally like he used to.

-No matter how much I screw up or how far I go, I can always come home.

-Going to the lake and putting my feet in the water and just sitting. Thinking. Soaking it all in.

-Getting described as "Crazy, blonde, and my bff" (Thank you Kristyn!)

-Sunday mornings at aeropostale. I go in at 9am, and sweep and mop and have about an hour to myself, and the rest of my shift goes much faster :)

-When amazing things come from unexpected places.

-Knowing this summer will be amazing, because I will make it that way.

So there you go. I didn't mean to make it so long, so if you got bored reading it, I apologize. I just think we need to be happy with the small things. I'm happy about 99% of the time not because a lot of hugely good things happen to me, but because I know how to string together the little things to make one huge happy thing. (Does that make sense?!) I'm just saying having the newest car, or the best clothes isn't happiness, it's emptiness. You'll tire of those things and buy new ones. Things like friends and family that last forever are what bring you true happiness. Those moments of elation when you can't stop smiling, or when you laugh so hard Mike's Hard Lemonade comes out of your nose (yes that happened to me!) are true moments of happiness. You know, I can remember exactly what happened that night, but I can't remember what the hell I wore!
Revel in beauty, fall in love, and bring happiness.

xoxo
Kelsi

PS- I encourage you to write your own list of things that make you happy. I want to read some!

It feels like this world has been growing slowly upside down

I just realized how little I've experienced in my life. Sure, I'm only 19, but there are so many things I haven't done yet. So, I decided to try and compile a list. Kind of a bucket list... except less morbid. I don't plan on dying anytime soon.

10.) I want to travel like crazy. India, Italy, England, Paris, Scotland, Egypt, New York, Boston... there's lots of places I want to see.
9.) I want to take a long roadtrip with a car full of my best friends. Maybe across country.
8.) I want to be a true musician. I want to compile a band, and make music and play shows and have a crappy tour bus and record songs in my basement.
7.) I want to be in a show in Branson. I know this sounds retarded, but I love putting on shows and singing and bringing happiness to people.
6.) I want to go to NYC and audition fpr Broadway just for the hell of it.
5.) I want to go to a murder mystery party. I looove the idea of it... mystery intrigue and costumes?! I'm there!
4.) I want to be a part of a symphony. I just love playing in a massive group. I miss band so much!!!
3.) I want to move to a big city and be anonymous. in the words of Meg and Dia "I'm going away/ I'm going my way/ Finally it's my time to be lonely and lost unloved/ And I can't wait"
2.) I want to meet my favorite bands: The Hush Sound, The Cab, Jack's Mannequin, Meg and Dia and Never Shout Never! among some of them. I'd love to write with them too!
1.) I want to fall in love. Head over heels, take my breath away, forever and ever kind of love.

So there ya go. My top 10 things I want to do. Some of them are certainly attainable, and some of them are out in left field, but they are my dreams, and they are real.

Bring On The Rain, Bring On The Thunder

So, I have some new friends! Yay! Kristyn, Gyger, Earnie, Chad and Aaron! I met most of them a month ago, but gyger and chad i just met like last week! But they're all really boss, so who cares?! Jonathan introduced us, and its been bff's ever since! Dustin also hangs out with us, which brings me t the point of this entry...

We went out to Midnight Rodeo for Kristyn's 21st birthday Thursday. Dustin came, and barely talked to me, which was expected. But as soon as Jonathan and Gyger showed up and started flirting with me, he all of a sudden had to talk to me and joke with me. Wtf. right?! Well, he got mad that Jon and I went dancing without him, so he ignored me a little more until we got back to Gyger's. We all started drinking (me less than the others) and all of a sudden, Dustin pulls me into his lap and starts making out with me! This has happened before, so I just go with it. Pretty soon, we all decide to go to bed, so I follow Gyger to his room to sleep in his bed, and Dustin follows us. We're all okay, then Dustin starts getting sick and I can't remember much after that. I remember being really scared, and crying for him, because we thought he might have mild alcohol poisoning. Well, Chad took care of him from 3-7 while i tried to sleep, then i took care of him 7-10, which was easy bc he fell asleep. I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up at 10 with Ashley and Earnie, and got Dustin up at 11. Thankfully, he was coherent at least. Chad drove him and his car back to his place, and me and Earnie followed. We made sure he ate and got something to drink and took some Advil, then we left so he could shower and sleep some more. As we were leaving, Dustin kept thanking us for everything, and I just kept telling him he has taken care of me when I drink, so I owe him and things like that. Then I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I love you Dustin. I'll call you later, ok?" and he just looked at me funny, gave me another hug, and we left. I realized that afternoon that I really care about Dustin. I wrote him a nice little note, though he will never see it.

Dear Dustin,
You are so confusing. One minute you love me and we're bffs, and the next you hate me. I think you're jealous though. Jealous that Jonathan likes me and we flirt, and Gyger likes me and we flirt. You barely even talked to me until Gyger started hanging on me. There's no need to be jealous though. I like you a lot more than I like them. Even though I shouldn't. I think you're scared to like me, too, because it might be stronger than what you had with Paige. I'm scared too you know. Even with all the crap you've put me thru and all the crap I put you thru, we still end up as friends. And I still love you. I just wish you could see how beautiful we could be together, that's all. Last night also scared the crap outta me. I have never seen you that drunk, and I never care to again. I was so scared that you wouldn't be okay. I don't want you to scare me like that. You can ask Gyger or Earnie. I was almost in tears last night over you. I wish I could tell you how much I really do care for you. You need someone like me. I can take care of you and be there for you. That's all I want: to be there for you. I just wish you would realize all this. But I'm not sure you ever will.
Love,
Kelsi

It's not that I'm afraid of dying, It's just, I'm so afraid to live

I iwhs Icould write sommething profound. Something that would move someone. I really just want to get out of here, get away from everyone I've wronged. Yes, I'm running away. I'm just sick of disappointing people. I'm sick of caring too much. God forbid I care too much for a person. God forbid I try to talk to them when I see theyre doing destructive things to themselves. And God forbid I'm honest with them. I just don't understand where theyre coming from. I just want to go far enough away that no one knows me. No familiar faces or places, just me, myself and I. I want to be a loner and make music and experience things and fall in love. I want to be happy. Right now, where I am, I'm not happy. I'm making the best of it. Theyre two seperate things. Branson to me is a dead end. OTC is a dead end.

Step over that clever line,

Gotta figure out which side is right,

Choose a destiny to live by

If you wanna live or die or fight

And only one side wins

And what I think of this I don't know

It's not that I'm afraid of dying,

It's just, I'm so afraid to live

This pretty much sums it up. I love Meg and Dia. I love the fact that music can expllain something so easily when words fail me.

I'll Find My Way But Until Then I'm Only Spinning

So Jacob's gone! I'm surprisingly okay with it. I'm talking to Josh again, and I think things between us are finally 100% over. I'm okay with that too. I've learned lately that you can make it through about anything if you want to. There's so many people out there that want to be miserable and that want to complain and blame others for what happens to them, but they can only blame themsleves. Holding onto your past only makes the present harder to grasp. You have to let go of any past wrongdoings or ill feelings to make room for new and better feelings and experiences. People often comment about how happy I am. It's because I've learned how to let go of the past and live in the present. i love where I am right now, even though I have no boyfriend, I live with my parents, and I'm going to OTC. I say the grass is greener on my side, because I'm lucky to have what I have. I may not have a boyfriend, but I have so many other people that care about me. I may live with my parents, but they keep me safe and sheltered. I may be going to OTC, but I'm going for free! People just don't realize how good their lives are, I guess. I don't know about you, but I couldn't stand being sad all the time. I get sick of those people very easily.

My Life Would Suck Without You

Wow uh... lots has happened.
I havent seen Josh in over two months. We're done. Screw him. Gah.
But about a month ago I became friends with a guy at school, Jacob. We dated about two weeks, and really like each other, but when I brought up committment, he shied away. We talked last thursday, and he said if this was still going on in a couple of months, then we would try the whole bf/gf thing. Well, that lasted about 48 hours. We were texting Saturday night, and he said there was something he wanted to ask me that couldn't wait til tomorrow. He then asked me to be his girlfriend! And I of course said yes!!! So yeah! Life's pretty good!

I must be dreaming

Wow uh yeah.... lots has happened.....

Josh and I are together...kinda. I called him after hanging out with Brandon on VDayand told him everything: i only wanna be with him. He said he wanted to talk in person. And we just made plans for Saturday, so im anxious to see ifhe saysanything.

school=good.

im tired.

nighty night

School is going well! I've got 3 classes with Ben Rupert, who I was in Journalism with last year, so I'm not without friends too much! So far it's easy and fun and kinda boring!

I went out with Josh on Friday. It was so amazing. I was driving home tonight, and I was thinking about him and he called me. I think I'm falling in love with him. Even though he's older than me and we're a tad different, he just gets me.

Anyway, I've got school tomorrow!

you know you love me

xoxo

Kelsi

Left my heart to accompany his nights

I have all my stuff for school in order! I did the whole e-cashier thing today, and tomorrow I'm going to get my books! I also have to take my laptop into Best Buy so they can fix my fan/weird noise. And then I'm goingto Barnes and Noble to browse/spend the gift card Kandi bought me for Christmas! yay! And Josh and I are hanging out again! yayayay! I think he might drag me to see The Unborn though... Scary movies and I do not mix! lol

I'm kinda excited to start school up. I'm taking classes Iactually like, which helps considerably! I just hope I know someone in each of my classes, but that's very doubtful. I do know I'll have Public Speaking with Samee! I just wish I didn't have to be in class at 8:30 two days a week. Oh well. At least my math class is late, so my brainwon't be all foggy from sleep!

Speaking of sleep, I need to get some!

You know you love me

xoxo

Kelsi

Applebee's, The Spirit and Josh! OH MY!

I went out with Kandi last night. We went to Applebee's and laughed at the crappy waitresses/waiters. i missed her a lot.

I went and saw The Spirit with Josh after that. I missed him a lot, too. I wish I lived in Springfield so I could see him more often (oh, wait! That will come true this summer!) He's a truly great guy, and I don't know why I didn't really give him a chance in the first place. I'm so retarded sometimes. Brandon called while we were out, and I told him the truth and said I was out with Josh. He seemed mad. I really don't care. He's pissing me off major.

I also found out tonight that my built-in webcam also comes with a mic! So I'm going to try to make vlogs and such and record a couple songs I've written. I'm kind of excited about it!

So, yeah. That's all I've got.

Peace bitches

Kelsi

Wait, they don't love you like I love you

So I hope you had a safe and happy new year! I went to a couple parties with Brandon, then slept over at his house. Got to meet a couple cool people, like Hammer! He was really funny, trying to hit on me in front of Brandon and stuff! I didn't drink, which was probably a really good thing! I instead was the DD, and drove Brandon's car all over Springfield! We got lost on more than one occassion, since he was drinking and I'm sucky with directions! But it all ended up okay! We finally got back to his house in Clever around 3 or 4... and we stayed up til 6-ish! lol It was nice to fall asleep with him by my side and to wake up in his arms. He was so sweet that night, too. I got hit on once at the first big party we went to, and after that he wouldn't stop kissing on me or putting his arm around me. It was really cute. And he introduced me as his girlfriend all night. But when we were driving to Springfield, he said he wasn't sure how long this would work, because of the distance and other things. I almost started crying. I just feel like this is right. And I was talking to Hammer about me moving to STL, and Brandon looked hurt and asked "I don't have any say in this?" And I want to say no, but he does have a little say. If things turn out well between us, then I might stay in Springfield, but if he's already talking about not being together, then screw it. I need to do what's best for me. And really, Joplin isn't that far from here. I don't know. He also said that if his ex, Mattie, wouldn't have lied to him, then he probably would have gotten back with her, and I'm just like wtf?! So was I some second choice or something?! As much as I do like him, some thing's are wrong between us. And I can't deny that.