Everything works in your arms

My Christmas was good! Got a new tv, books, dvds, cds.... the kiddos were really cute opening their stuff. John got SO excited for his new skateboard! And Maddy and Livy loved their bike and four-wheeler! All in all, it was a very good holiday!
I havent been hanging out with people much this break, because I've been working insane hours at Aero. Like 40 hours a week. But, I managed to get last night off, so I went and had coffee with Josh. It was a tad awkward at the beginning, but as we got to talking, it was like nothing had changed. It was nice to see him again. I then met Brandon to go see Wall-e at the Palace. It was so good just to see his face. I got out of my car, saw him walking towards me, and I just started smiling. And I didn't stop all night. Everything was just so perfect. When something sweet or romantic would happen on the screen, he would kiss my head or squeeze my hand. I get butterflies just thinking about it! After the movie, he drove me back to my car, and we just sat in his car for a while, and I said something about him not being my territory, and he said "What if I want to be your territory?" I just kinda looked at him, then he asked "Would you be my girlfriend?" and I was just rendered speechless, grinning like a fool. So he starts rambling about how this is ridiculous because he's gonna be in Joplin, and I'll be in Branson, but he just can't let me go.... I just giggled, kissed him and said yes. So I'm pretty much the happiest person to walk the planet right now.
you kow you love me
xoxo
Kels

"Disappear" & "I Fell You"

Two new songs written by moi. Leave me some opinion.

Disappear

I'm a midnight bandit,
Fleeing from the scene,
When your eyes follow,
Don't come running after me,
Night is the best time,
To think things thru,
But honey I won't be here,
To listen to you,
Your eyes,
They tell me something,
Your mouth,
Says something different too

Disappear,
I'll disappear with the first light of dawn.
You're standing here,
Not believing that I'll be gone,
But just watch me,
Disappear

Close your eyes dear,
It'll all be over soon,
Listen to my voice now,
Just become consumed,
Let the night surround you,
It covers like a glove,
Let the darkness into you,
And swallow up my love,
My eyes,
They tell you something,
My mouth,
Says something different too

Disappear,
I'll disappear with the first light of dawn.
You're standing here,
Not believing that I'll be gone,
But just watch me,
Disappear

Say goodbye,
Don't make this harder now,
Say goodnight,
And you'll see nothing but my shadow

Disappear,
I'll disappear with the first light of dawn.
You're standing here,
Not believing that I'll be gone,
But just watch me,
Disappear



"I Feel You"

I dream of our meeting,
Night after night,
It's so painfully perfect,
To have you in my sight,
The stars start to fade,
But the dream it lingers,
I can still feel your kiss,
The brush of your fingers,
Oh, are you even real?
And do you feel the way that I feel?

Did I dream you up?
Do you fantasize too?
Of being with me,
Of finding love so pure and true,
You elude me so easily,
I don't know what to do,
Cause Ifeel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you.

I wish I could sleep,
But I'm writing this instead,
The image of your face,
Floating thru my head,
I need to find you,
But I don't know where to start,
Listen to my siren's song,
Coming from my heart,
Oh, why do you hideaway?
When there's so many words to say?

Did I dream you up?
Do you fantasize too?
Of being with me,
Of finding love so pure and true,
You elude me so easily,
I don't know what to do,
Cause Ifeel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you.

Someday we'll meet,
And I'll see your sweet face,
We'll know it's meant to be,
We'll fall into place,
I hope that day is soon,
I really had to wait,
But I guess for right now,
I'll leave it to fate but,

I still dream about you,
And hope you dream of me too,
I just want to be with you,
To feel love that is so true,
Don't try to elude me,
I need to find you,
Cause I still feel you in my heart,
But I don't even know you.

There's No Place Like Us

5 more days! So excited for Christmas!
I went to dinner last night with LeighAnna, and it was just what I needed! We went to the Olive Garden and laughed SO hard. Then we couldn't remember what we were laughing about and that made me laugh even harder! She's gonna be home til Feb 8th because of her trip to Italy, so we get to spend our birthdays together too!!! Yay us! lol
Not much is going on besides me working, Brandon's being weird and a jerk. Whatev. I'm done. Oh and Josh texted me the other night after not talking to me for 6 months, and expected me not to be mad at him. Yeah, right! AND Dustin texted me today and asked if I wanted to come "hang out" because he was bored when I know for a fact he just broke up with his skanky girlfriend, Paige. Uh honey... we went there once and I decided I don't date liars OR jerks. Kthanxbai. And I've been thinking about Kelly a little bit lately. He changed his number, so I can't just call him and be like "Hey I'm retarded as hell. Call me?" But if its meant to be, ill see him or something. Leave it to the fates!
You know you love me,
xoxo,
Kelsi

So Christmas at my house has officially begun! We got the tree Friday, and started wrapping gifts yesterday! It's gonna be a great holiday!
All my friends come home this week! Technically, the two that matter most are already home! Brandon got in tonight, and LeighAnna will be in late tonight/early tomorrow morning! Im so excited to see her! I missed her soooo much!
Not much is actually happening, excpet for my past haunting me, but other than that, I'm bored!
xoxo
ME

I've got the words if you've got the melody!

So I got to hang out with Brandon last night! We watched Harry Potter movies and played with his dogs :) He's amazing and needs to be minelike uh right now. I didnt want to leave. I could have stayed on that couch with him for the rest of my life and be completely satisfied. What can I say? I really like him.

Boy you're killing me and you don't even know it.

I realized I like just posted, but I had to get some things out in the open.
I talked to Brandon for two hours tonight on the phone. It was so nice just to hear his voice. But what really sucks is he told me he was talking to his ex. He explained that they broke up and then he met me, and a week later she started texted him out of the blue and they started talking again. It kind of hurt me, but at the same time, it didnt really bother me either. I mean, as much as I do like him and as much as I want this to work, it just didnt bother me. I think its because I don't really know her, other than her facebook stuff (Which she asked to be my friend. awkward) All I know is she cheated on him. With his friend. Yeah, I know. Why would he even think about getting back with her? I say once a cheater, always a cheater! I'm not even sure what to feel right now. I'm not gonna see him for three weeks, but then I've only known him for two. It just kinda happened really fast. All I know right now is I like him and I like hanging out with him.
You know you love me.
xoxo
Kelsi

I've got the words if you've got the melody, you've got me singing!

So, I've had good couple of days! Everyone was home for the holiday, so I got to see Lucus and LeighAnna on Wednesday. They're both doing good!
I got to hang out with Brandon on Monday. What can I say? The kid just gets me. I realized on Tuesday that I haven't really flirted with him. He just likes me. The dorky, kinda funny always ridiculous Kelsi, not the sex kitten, come hither Kelsi. It kinda threw me through a loop! He's in Texas right now for Thanksgiving, and he's sick. Poor baby....
I worked like 18 hours today and went 26 hours without sleep, so I'm gonna get some shut-eye
You know you love me.
xoxo
Kels

1234

So, I pretty much had an awesome 2 days. I saw Twilight, got to see Sam, Mel, Duane and Nathanael, and met Brandon!
The premiere was freakin amazing! It was SO much fun and I'm so glad I got to do it with them! We took all kinds of crazy pix that I'll have to upload to various websites!
So Brandon. He's a really nice guy I met thru a mutual friend, and we just hit it off. We are seriously SO much alike! We finally got to really hang out, and we were finishing each others sentences and saying things at the same time... it was crazy!!! And it was so cute what he planned for our kinda date. First off, I met his family. They are so nice and welcoming and reminded me a bit of my family! then, we went and watched old Disney movies in his basement! I had said something about liking them last week, and he actually remembered! So we watched Aladdin and The Great Mouse Detective and then I had to go home. I really like him, but he goes to a college in Rolla. Boo.
You know you love me
xoxo
Kelsi

I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not

So I felt like writing, and they alwayssay "Write whatyou know" so here goes...

Untitled
By Kelsi Gause

I can still remember the first time I saw him. He walked into the band room my freshman year of high school with those pretty green eyes, emo haircut, and black skinny jeans, and I knew I had to be friends with him. His name was Chris, and lucky for me, he was in band and drama, same as me. While we were working on musical, we became really good friends, and stayed that way until something happened my junior year. I came back from summer vacation, and it was like overnight I had turned into one very sexy, very curvy girl. And Chris took notice. He started giving me extra attention, and I reveled in it.
It all started that fateful night after play practice, November 12, 2006. I was playing in the orchestra, and Chris was The Mute in the play. He was nice enough to help me put stuff away, so I waited for him to change out of his costume. We had always been really comfortable with each other, so it was no big deal for me to watch him change in the basement. I was saying something about going out to eat that night while he pulled up his pants, and he just kissed me in mid-sentence. It was the single most powerful thing I had ever felt in my life. I had dreamed about this moment for two whole years, and it had finally happened. And it was perfect.
After that, we started hooking up anywhere and everywhere. We would text each other if we got a free hour and meet up in the choir room or band room. He would say the sweetest things like he really cared about me, and how much he wanted us to be together, just not now. Meanwhile, my friends were telling me not to even start anything with him, but I didn’t listen to them. We would stay up insanely late texting each other about the stupidest things, and go to the lake near my house and just watch the water. It was everything I had always wanted out of a relationship, except the commitment. Chris was into not labeling things and just letting things happen, and since he was a year older than me, I just thought this was how “grown-up” relationships worked.
Chris graduated in May of 2007. We kept seeing each other throughout the summer, and we got closer than ever. Inside though, I was constantly having conflicting emotions about staying with him. I would stay up late at night wondering if he actually cared about me, then beating myself up for questioning his feelings when I thought they were so blatantly obvious.
There was one day in particular that he came over that was horrible. It started out good enough. We went down to the lake and just lay on the dock and talked. Then we went back to my house to watch a movie, but things went differently like usual. His head ended up in my lap, and I was playing with his hair, and I realized I really loved him. He left soon after for work, and after I closed the door, I collapsed to the ground and just started sobbing. The tears just wouldn’t stop coming as I sat on the cold hardwood and realized he would never love me the way I loved him. It was the hardest realization I had ever made, and just one of many to follow.
The rest of the summer passed in a blur of band rehearsals and cheerleading practices, and before I knew it, my senior year had started. I thought maybe this would distance Chris and me a bit, but he showed up to play rehearsals and joked around with everyone like he had never left. There was still a huge attraction between us, but everything we did we kept under secrets and lies. I felt that I should really get out of this thing before I get hurt even worse, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was afraid that I would lose a best friend as well as a sort-of boyfriend. So I kept seeing him. I liked other guys and dated other guys, but in the back of my mind there was always Chris.
Over Christmas break we hung out a lot, mostly at his apartment. One special night, I lost my virginity to him. It wasn’t everything I had expected, but I thought that we would have time for me to get used to it. But after that night, something changed between us. Chris became distant and didn’t return my texts or calls. I started blaming myself for being too clingy or wanting too much from him. What I didn’t realize was he had found someone else.
Chris never even told me he was dating her. And by her I mean a 15-year-old I went to school with that hated me. He stopped talking to me completely after we had a nasty conversation that ended with me yelling “I’ll never be good enough for you!” which was quite the truth. I was glad it was over, but at the same time I still wanted to at least talk to him and apologize. He never answered anything I sent him.
3 months later, I get a text out of the blue from him saying he was sorry he ignored me, but I needed sometime to cool off. I hated to admit it, but he was right. In those three months, I saw how horribly he treated me, and how I shouldn’t have let it go on for as long as it did. After that text, everything was fine. We went back to being the best friends we were 3 years ago. We still hang out and cause trouble, but we both know that it can’t, and won’t, go any farther than friendship. I love him because he’s my best friend, but I resent him in some ways because he really screwed up my idea of a relationship. Even now I have a hard time trusting guys and letting them get close to me. And I have yet to have a decent relationship after Chris.
I grew up a lot in those two years. I was forced to play mind games when I barely knew what I was doing. I learned the hard way how guys can be huge ass holes, and when to walk away. But most of all, I learned to love myself. Life’s lessons can be tough to learn, and this one was by far the toughest. But I’m fighter, and no one, not even Chris, can make me fall.



When things are bad and getting worse,
Keep a cookie in your purse!

Your mouth it moves but fails to speak

So, Dakota's gone. That's about it.

There's only us, There's only this, Forget regret, Or life is yours to miss

Tiffany and Scottie's wedding was last night! It was so pretty! I'm so happy for them! It's couples like them And sam and Nathaneal that give me hope for finding love. Speaking of love...

Today was the best day of my life (so far). First, I worked, which was fun! then the lights went out and we got out early! I texted Dakota and asked if he was getting off at 5 too, and he showed up at my car when I got off. i got into his car, seeing as mine is always messy, and we were just talking about how mean we are to each other and he leaned in and kissed me. It was perfect. I've never had such a good first kiss. It was just amazing. I really can't explain it. I'm just falling and falling... and he's there to catch me. As many guys as I've liked, I've never felt 100% sure about anything, but I feel 110% about Dakota. And as many guys as I see at work and around town, not one of them have caught my eye lately. Everytime I look at a guy, I think of Dakota. It's so weird and crazyfor me to be so into just one guy. I'm just so.... happy, excited, overjoyed, giddy, exuberant, joyful..... perfect. Everything right now is just perfect.

xoxo
Kelsi

It's my catch of lightening, the chances of finding someone like you

So, Halloween was fun. We went over to Mimi's and had dinner,. like usual! I took John trick-or-treating, and he was happy with just stopping at like 5 houses! I tried ti get him to do more, but he just wanted to go see Mimi and eat pumpkin pie! I also went to his party at school, and got asked by about 5 parents who my kid was. I guess I look older than my age because a lot of them were surprised when I said I was big sister and not mom! I met his teacher, too, who is a complete and total bitch. She didnt even thank me for helping or baking cupcakes! Whatev!

Hopefully, today I'll get to see Dakota. We're supposed to go to lunch, but his day sounded kind of packed already. Ya know it's funny, I went over to Jeff Hintz's house Saturday, and even tho I've always had a small crush on him, I didnt even flirt with him. I haven't thought of Dustin or Micheal or any other guy since Dakota and I started talking. I did get a little freak-out when I saw Josh was in a relationship, but just as the tears sprang up, I got a text from D and they were gone just as fast as they came. It's crazy for me to be so focused on one guy. I usually have like 3 or 4 at least, but all I think about is Dakota. Lucus says I'm in love, I say no. I've rushed into things and screwed up too many good possibilities to think like that again. I do know one thing: I'm falling, and hard.

I'm only myself when I'm with you baby

So, not much is going on. I have Halloween off, so I have to find a costume soon. We're just going to Mimi's, but I always dress up with John. (I know, I'm lame!) I still love Halloween! I wanna go to a party tho! oh well!

Ive been texting Dakota an awful lot. It's been really random retarded stuff, but it's funny! I just really like the guy. I just want to hang out with him and talk to him. He's pretty funny and actually kind of intelligent! It 's also kind of weird that Ive seen 3 shotting stars while on the phone in the past week! I told him about it, and he asked me if I thought it was a sign. I'm not sure what to think, but I like to fantasize that it is. I caught him the other night as he was walking to his car in the mall parking lot, and he was telling me about how the new girl is like 35 and se was asking him all kinds of questions. One that she asked was why don't you have a girlfriend? and he said I don't want a girlfriend! Then he looked at me, blushed, and stammered bbbbbut if ya know the uh right girl um came along.... and I just smiled. It was the cutest thing ever. He's so cute!

You know you love me

xoxo
Kels

I can't sleep and I'm not in love, I can't speak without messing up

So, my life is boring. John's been sick, so Ive been taking care of him. But thankfully, he went to school today. He was really good while he was home with me, though. LeighAnna'a home for the weekend, so we're going out to dinner with Annie Dyche. Im really excited for it! I havent seen Annie since graduation,and LA hasnt been home in a while!
I'm kind of excited to go to work today for two reasons. One, we have a new guy Dustin that's really nice and two, so I can go see Dakota at the music store. Dakota's really nice and a lot like me. I hung out with Carlie last Friday and we went in to say hi. When we left, I asked what she thought of him, and she said he was so flirting with me! lol Idk... I've talked to him a bit, but would it be weird to ask him to hang out? I hate being unsure of myself!
you know you love me

xoxo
Kelsi

UPDATE:
I got to see Dakota tonight! I went in to say hi, and he stole my phone and put his number in it! AND he was texting me less than 5 minutes after I left! ANNND he's called me pretty 4 times tonight! yay me!

I'm leaving you for the last time baby,You think you're loving but you don't love me

I'm just doing this for you, Tiffany. I would really rather not relive the memories...

I went to the Hotel of Terror last night with Sam, Micheal, Tiffany, Scottie, Leah, Melissa and Duane. It was quite fun! But Sam told the clowns that the blonde in the next group (that be me) hates clowns. Naturally, they bombarded me and got in my face and called me Blondie. I totally freaked! I started crying and had trouble breathing and I think I remember yelling obscenities! Poor Micheal was in front of me and I tried to throw him between me and the clowns, but it didnt work too well. And Tiff had my hand or my hoodie, and was just telling me to close my eyes, but I could still hear their creepy freaking voices! And they kept yelling "Come back and play with us Blondie!" It still creeps me the hell out! But, I went down the huge slide, which was quite fun, and when we got back to the street, one of the clowns came out on the fire escape and started calling to me again! I just yelled at him to leave me alone, but when he started crawling down the ladder I yelled out "Dude, do you not see this?!" and pointed at my face, whichwas very very tear streaked. He thankfully left me alone after that! It was fun, but I'm not sure if I would do it again!

I also got to talk to Micheal for a while, and judging by what he was saying, he didn't mean a single word about changing for me. Which, really, I didnt care if he changed or not. I liked him for him. He's crazy fun and exactly what I needed. Now, I'm just disappointed. I sent him a text saying I was leaving and he said "Awe" and I texted back "Why awe?" and he said "Because I wanted to see you" So I called him and said i was still in Nixa, and he goes on about how his electricity is screwing up or something so he has to get that figured out today. But, he'll come to Branson to see me soon. I pretty much took that like a big "Fuck you." I'm not even sure if I even want to be his friend.

Anyways, I'm gonna go clean my room and listen to some Death Cab For Cutie!!!

You Know You Love Me!
Kelsi

Goodnight

And I'm up, down, I'm spinning around
High and dry and kicked to the ground
I'm lost and I'll never be found
My lips were much too shy
The lines about you, they never rhymed
You said I never get things right
I never said I was the best thing for you
And baby, where'd you go?
I need you here tonight

Singing myself to sleep
And you're still my favorite melody
It's been three weeks
How long can this go on?
Singing myself to sleep
And you're haunting every memory
Get out, goodbye
Get out of my life
Goodnight

And you're hot, cold
You're not available
You run while I lose control
I miss youForever you'll stay gold
You know I'm not getting by
I've lost it, you're in my mind
And everyday's the darkest of my life
I never said I was the best thing for you
Baby, where'd you go?
I need you here tonight

Singing myself to sleep
And you're still my favorite melody
It's been three weeks
How long can this go on?
Singing myself to sleep
And you're haunting every memory
Get out, goodbye, get out of my life'
cause I'm drowning when I close my eyes
And I'm fallin' can't breathe tonight
And a story I fade to black inside
I never said I was the best thing for you

Singing myself to sleep
And you're still my favorite melody
It's been three weeks
How long can this go on?
Singing myself to sleep
And you're haunting every memory
Get out,
goodbye,
get out of my life
cause I'm drowning when I close my eyes
And I'm fallin', can't breath tonight
And a story I fade to black inside

I am such a haunted soul

Let's recap the past week, shall we?
-Micheal called me, says he's confused and doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now.
- Less than a week later, he's dating some ugly guy. I'm done with him.
-I miss Sam so much.
-I hung out with Jonathan and Dustin a bit. Dustin and I are just friends.
-I got to see Bryce last night. I've missed him.
-Bobby from work is a total cutie, and I took Jonathan's phone and pretended to be him and asked Bobby all kinds of questions about me!
-Today at work, Bobby actually talked to me, and I caught him looking at me more than a dozen times.
And whoever reads this, I love you for taking a couple minutes to hear my tales of sorrow!

I sink into myself, Afraid of the fall that never ends

So, I'm completely totally fed up. Nothing is going right. I had a great time with Micheal, then he ignores me. I havent heard from him since Monday or Tuesday. Then my friend Jonathan introduces me to his roommate Dustin, and him and I instantly became friends. He seemed really nice, and we hung out Thursday. We both had a lot of fun, tho all we did was walk the Landing and watch movies, I still had fun. Nothing much happened, but we both confessed to liking each other, and I thought everything was good. Well, he texts me later that night and says he's going to Ava to see his parents. His roommate/my friend Jonathan texts me and says he went to his ex girlfriend's house. I'm like oooookay. Weird. Turns out he broke up with her right before he met me to hang out Thursday, and I guess he went to Springfield to see her because he regrets the decision to break up. I'm so pissed off at this point, I just broke down. I haven't cried that hard since the whole Chris fiasco back in January. It just feels like I'm unwanted. I've just been thru so much emotionally this past year I'm not sure how much more I can take. And the more I think about it, the more I cry. I just can't help it. Anyways, Dustin keeps saying he feels bad, and he wants to make it up to me and he's sorry. And I just tell him there isnt enough I'm sorry's in the world to make me feel better, and there's nothing he can do to make it up to me. I mean, I really liked him and felt comfortable with him. I fell asleep in his arms for God's sake! I trusted him. And less than 12 hours later he totally screws it up. It's not fair. Why do I have to go thru this with every guy I meet? Maybe I'm too trusting. My dad says I have an old soul, and their usually really trusting. But this really hurts. Everything that has happened in the past year is catching up with me. My heart feels cold. Literally. The space in my chest where my heart is feels like its an icebox. And I hate to be all depressed and emo-ish. I really want to feel better, but I'm not sure if I can feel better this time.

You Are The Moon

Well, Sam's wedding was yesterday! It was so gorgeous and fun! I looked out during the ceremony and saw Melissa and Duane crying and I started crying! Sam looked absolutely drop dead gorgeous!

I also got to hang out with a special person, Micheal. I really like him. He's nice and sweet and cute. And he told me he's going to stop going to Latin Vibe and stuff like that. I just really like the guy. When we were sitting at the head table, one of Nathanael's relatives, Trudy, came over when we were talking, and asked if we were engaged or married! We both said no, and she replied with "Well you two make an adorable couple! I have a good feeling about you two, and I'm never wrong!" Then I caught the bouquet! I'm not usually this superstitous, but... let's just say I have a good feeling too.

xoxo,
Kelsi

The Boys Are Too Refined

Hey! It's been like what? a week? Here's a bit of an update...
Since then, I've hung out a bit with Kelly, who is turning out to be a really good friend. I've also taken a liking to Chris, my ex-manager from Aero. I went in and saw him last weekend, and he was really nice, but I saw him Friday and he hugged me and kissed my cheek and I just went with it. I brought Kelly in to buy a hat, and Chris was asking if he was my date, and when I said "Oh God NO!"he was like "ok, good... he's not your type...." Then when I left with Kelly, he was all hugs and kisses! I also talked to him about switching stores, and he's all for it! The "dream team" as he called us, would be back! Whatever! There's also this guy that works at Music For A Song. I have no clue what his name is, but he seems cool and really flirty. I walked in last weekend, and James Taylor was playing, and when I asked who put it on, he said he did. So we had a nice chat about James and whatnot, and I just left. But then I went in last night with Kelly, and the hot guy actually remembered me! He made me promise to come in and see him later,and I'm like "oooookay!" I ain't arguing with that!
And then there's Sam. Her and I have always been really good friends, but ever since Katy ended up being the Maid of Honor from hell, her and I have gotten super-close. And her party last Saturday was a hoot and a half! I also met Michael,who is a friend of Sam's from work. We like each other, but its kinda hard living an hour away. The three of us hung out along with Sam's mom, and we went to the mall and ate and stuff, and he was holding my hand and putting his arm around me. We made plans to hang out last night, but he had car problems, so I hung out with Kelly instead.But he felt really bad, sent me a cute text saying he misses me, and we're gonna hang out this week sometime! I'll be seeing quite a bit of him, since I'll be in Springfield thursday-sunday! I think we might be getting a group together and going out Thursday, too! yay! lol I like Michael. He's a nice guy, and I haven't met a nice guy in a while!
Anyway! It's getting late! I'm going to bed!
You know you love me.
Kelsi

My Smile Has Become Empty

I thpught you'd always be here,
But I guess I shouldn't hang on to you my dear,
You always felt so strong,
Watching you crumble like this, oh, this feels so wrong,
Dry my every unshed tear,
You know courage is the absence of fear,
Just go ahead and walk away,
It's not like i ever needed you anyway,

How, how, how did I ever get here?
You, you, you're leaving out of fear,
how how how did i get here?
you, you, you're leaving out of fear

You know what you've done,
Can never be erased,
But if you stay,
I could turn another face,
Your words are strong,
But what your eyes say is stronger,
and baby I know that you want to stay longer,

How, how, how did I ever get here?
You, you, you're leaving out of fear,
how how how did i get here?
you, you, you're leaving out of fear

And I, I don't even know you,
You, you'll pretend that I'm gone

How, how, how did I ever get here?
You, you, you're leaving out of fear,
how how how did i get here?
you, you, you're leaving out of fear my dear,

You will pretend that I'm not here,
You will pretend that I'm not here,
Just you forget that I was ever here

The above was the result of a loss of sleep. Have you ever had so much inside of you that you have to write? And then when you do finally get it all out you feel so relieved and terrible at the same time and its so overwhelming that you cry? I know it probably sounds like I cry a lot, but I really don't. Getiing my emotions out on paper is usually so hard for me that when I do, it's huge release and It's wonderful and horrible and scary at the same time. You feel a bit raw, because this shit is personal. For me it's really personal. And just because I feel like it, I'll put another writing I did tonight. Love it, hate it, I really don't care.

How did I get here?
And why the hell did it take this long?
I've buried a best friend
inside my trash can you left outdoors....

And you dropped me in the mailbox,
my face paint still left on.
And you accused I never loved you
I could say nothing to change your mind.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
My smile has become empty
Heard you've been looking for me.
Come on kid you know where I would go....
See lately, lately, lastly
I would love for you to ask me,
where the line between
my pen and mind's at war. I tell MOST the truth you know.

My voice is a hatchet. It's forgotten how to whisper soft.
My mind is a bucket, and it captures the rain
sinking through the ceiling, landing on the rooftops.

You told me you were filled up with love...
I said, "You've lost it.
"You've said a mess of errors, you know not what it costs yet.
but I know, i know i know

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
My smile has become empty
Heard you've been looking for me.
Come on kid you know where I would go....
See lately, lately, lastly
I would love for you to ask me, where the line between
my pen and mind's at war. I tell MOST the truth you know.

They say I've lost it all. I watched them burn all the pictures of good pain on the beaches.
and oh, if this is rock bottom....! Then I say, "Well God damn! The view from here is breath taking...."

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
My smile has become empty
Heard you've been looking for me.
Come on kid you know where I would go....
See lately, lately, lastly
I would love for you to ask me, where the line between
my pen and mind's at war. I tell MOST the truth you know.

Just do it with love

So this weekend is Sam's party. I'm excited! I love Sam, and it should be pretty interesting! I made her a ridiculous mix cd of 90's pop and whatnot! I love 90's music! Britney Spears, Spice Girls, Barenaked Ladies! yay!
Anyways! I had a really awesome dream about going to Boston and Berklee (Conservatory of Music) and woke up and started looking at plane tickets and hotels. I really wanna take my mom! She wanted to go to Boston when the band went, but it was uber expensive, so she couldn't. She loves history and such, and Boston is my favorite city! I'm hoping she'll agree to use my money from the car accident settlement!
I go to rehab tomorrow for my hips! I have to go 3 times a week for 3 weeks. Boo. But on the plus side, Lucus is going to be here tomorrow! Him and I are going out to dinner tomrrow! I miss him so much! I haven't been apart from him for more than two weeks, then he moves to St. Louis! jeez! But I haven't seen him in over a month so I am quite excited for tomorrow!
Whoever reads this, have fun, live your life, and laugh!

Insane ramblings: proceed with caution!

Is there really such a thing as destiny? Or is it just the succession of our decisions? Is there really a master plan for our lives? A perfectly mapped out journey with the appropriate rest stops? Does that even make sense?

I know I usually write some pretty lame things, but this might be a bit different. If you want, take a deep breath and keep reading.

Making one silly decision may lead you to your greatest accomplishment ever. Likeme taking Journalism my senior year. I only took it because I love Deb Davila, and I ended up winning anaward and perhaps finding my career! Little mistakes and decisions can affect your life, whether it be long term or short term. Catching the eye of that one cute guy could mean you've found your soulmate. But is it really destiny or something else? Are you really meant just one path for your life with no deviation? You can choose your path, but is it really you doing the choosing? And how do you know when fate steps in? What happens when you really do meet the one? Does the sky look bluer and the sun shine brighter? Or is that just hype? I took a chance on someone, he's really cool, but is it destiny that I meet him? Or did I take over my own destiny and choose for myself? I have so many questions, my head starts to spin and they seem to spill over into this blog. I'm really posing a lot of questions and answering none of them. Maybe we just get through life and that's all we can ask for.

I will write you a lullaby

So, I'm 100% in love. Really I am. I am in love with Andrew McMahon. For those of you who live under a rock and don't know who he is, I will explain. Andrew McMahon is the writer/lead singer/pianist for the band Jack's Mannequin. He is about to put out a new cd "The Glass Passenger" September 30th. I got my hands on the leak of the entire cd, and fell in love with him all over again. He is the most poetic and beautiful songwriter. His lyrics are simple, but they speak beyond the words. And he does good, too. He was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2005, and started the Dear Jack foundation the next year to help fund cancer research. He is now in remission after he got a stem cell transplant from his sister, Katie, in August of 05. He is just amazing. Genuinely an amazing person. He has overcome so much, and done so much too. How could you not love him? Here's the lyrics to a new song called Lullaby. It's wonderful. I cried when I first listened to it. You can just read it and imagine how good it is with music.

These hammers and strings
Been following me around
From a box filled garage
To the dark punk rock clubs
Of 1000 American crowds
And my friend calls me up
She says, "how have you been?"
I say, "dear I've been well,
Yeah the money's coming
But I miss you like hell.
I still hear you in this
Old piano, oh yeah."
She says, "Andy, I know
That we don't talk as much
But I still hear your ghost
In these old punk rock clubs
Come on, write me a song
Give me something to trust
Just promise you won't let it be
The keys that you touch.
"Give me something to believe in,
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide
So I write you a lullaby
A lullaby
These hammers and strings
Been following me around
Behind passenger vans
Through the snow, dirt, and sands
Of 1000 American towns
And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, "Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I'm not crazy.
I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"
I need something to believe in
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide
To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I will write you a lullaby

This place is paradise I'm sure, here's my reservation!

Well, lots to say this time actually. I'm not going to school afterall. My scholarship didn't go thru in time, so next semester I'm going! Meanwhile, I'm gonna be working a lot at Aero and Montana's!
Bryce is an ass. Nuff said.
I cut my hair again!! It's really short this time! yay!
I'm getting excited about the Motion City Soundtrack concert in 15 days! yay! And for the new Jack's Mannequin cd in 28(ish) days! I love new music! Rumor has it, Meg&Dia are coming out with a new cd very soon too! All my faves are putting out new material! Makes me very happy!
I guess I didn't have that much to say!
You know you love me!
Kels

Dont take my heart and put it on a shelf

So I'm really tired. Like REALLY tired! But Ive had a good week/weekend. Moms birthday was Saturday, so we had a house full of people saturday night. But, it was fun seeing everyone!
I got to hang out with Bryce again Friday night! We went to his house to watch a movie, and ended up watching Spiderman 3 in high-def on his new PS3! He got so excited! It was so cute! But we were watching the movie, and people kept walking in and talking and whatnot, so nothign happend. But I met his friend Hayden, and he seems cool! I like Bryce, and he's a really nice guy. I just wish I knew how he really felt, ya know? He acts like he likes me sometimes, but other times, its like he cant be bothered. Boys are stupid.
Anyways! I'm gonna take a nap!

We're running with the shadows of the night!

Today was my first day of college classes! yay! It was totally easy and uneventful... though there was a really cute blonde guy in emo glasses in my public speaking class! yay new boys! lol I find myself thinking about Bryce a lot though.... hmmm... Anyways! I worked at Aerpostale tonight too! It was very fun! Aydee (pronounced Eye-dee) is a fun boss to work for! I guess I'm training new people next week and we're getting a new crop of guys in! I guess we only have maybe 6 girl employees! Oh well! I get along better with guys! Samee Parrish is in my bio class, and we had some fun today! We went to Quizno's and caught up on the year we didnt talk, then we went and walked around the park! She's a really nice person, and I think her and I could be really good friends again! (At least I hope so!)

I'm tired, so I'mma go to bed now!

LOVE LOVE LOVE

I'm gonna paint a diamond on your hand you'll be my bride

Totally excited for three reasons.

A.Got new skinny jeans, wide-leg jeans and houndsooth bag at aeropostale!

B.Got new job at Aeropostale!

C. Just ordered the new Jack's Mannequin cd!!!! The awesomeness doesn't stop just with the cd, it also comes with a bonus track, a dvd, an autogrpahed movie poster (which will be framed and hung on my wall!) and an instant download for the song Miss California! I'm so very broke now, but so very happy!

New Skinny Jeans:

New Wide-Leg Jeans they dont have online =[

New houndsooth bag!

So yeah! I'm also getting my schoolbooks tomorrow! Excitingness! lol! Night all!

I know that after tonight you don't have to look up at the stars

Hello people!
So I had a very good night! I worked til about 8-ish, then went aand hung out with Bryce. Even though all we did was go his house and watch a movie, it was still a lot of fun. He's crazy-obsessive when it comes to music, which is a very good thing considering I'm the same way. I could see us being friends. He's a nice guy, has a lot of class, but it's still new. He's also a couple months younger than me. This is just a fun thing.
Anyways, I guess I'm going to White Water with Kandi, John, and Maddy tomorrow! woo hoo! Kinda excited, seeing as I haven't been there since John was in my mom's tummy! I'm going to bed finally! Night all!

Tell the DJ to play my song

I'm going to be completely honest, and say no one will probably read this, which is fine with me. I'm also going to say I have no clue what this is going to be about, so bear with me and keep reading if you want to!

I went shopping yesterday, got a couple new things, but the coolest was a pair of purple flats! They have silver buckles on them, and they're just ah-may-zing! I like purple all of a sudden, and I do not know why. Hmmm.... weird much? I also got this really cool slouchy cardigan in black, so I can wear it with anything. I have decided something about fashion. I have had a revelation, if you will. Buying simple, yet colorful things and layering gives room for personal style without getting ridiculously expensive. An also, skinny jeans are hot.

I'm going to see Meg & Dia next weekend! Yayness! I love them. Hardcore. Love them. My bff is supposed to be going with me, to keep me safe on the mean streets of Joplin, Missouri! Oh the horror! I'm uber-excited! I'm also going to see Joshua, whom I hvent seen in almost 3 long weeks! Exciting stuff, huh?

I also start college classes this Thursday at OTC. Woo. Hoo. I'm taking Politics and Government, Math 050 (basic algebra. haha i suck at math!) Intro to Public Speaking (which I do not need, but I need the credit hours) and Life Science ( bio class with this really cool little Italian dude!) I'm kinda excited I guess. It's just different than high school, but that's to be expected I guess!

Anyways, I'll stop my ramblings and let you get back to more important stuff.

You know you love me!