I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not

So I felt like writing, and they alwayssay "Write whatyou know" so here goes...

Untitled
By Kelsi Gause

I can still remember the first time I saw him. He walked into the band room my freshman year of high school with those pretty green eyes, emo haircut, and black skinny jeans, and I knew I had to be friends with him. His name was Chris, and lucky for me, he was in band and drama, same as me. While we were working on musical, we became really good friends, and stayed that way until something happened my junior year. I came back from summer vacation, and it was like overnight I had turned into one very sexy, very curvy girl. And Chris took notice. He started giving me extra attention, and I reveled in it.
It all started that fateful night after play practice, November 12, 2006. I was playing in the orchestra, and Chris was The Mute in the play. He was nice enough to help me put stuff away, so I waited for him to change out of his costume. We had always been really comfortable with each other, so it was no big deal for me to watch him change in the basement. I was saying something about going out to eat that night while he pulled up his pants, and he just kissed me in mid-sentence. It was the single most powerful thing I had ever felt in my life. I had dreamed about this moment for two whole years, and it had finally happened. And it was perfect.
After that, we started hooking up anywhere and everywhere. We would text each other if we got a free hour and meet up in the choir room or band room. He would say the sweetest things like he really cared about me, and how much he wanted us to be together, just not now. Meanwhile, my friends were telling me not to even start anything with him, but I didn’t listen to them. We would stay up insanely late texting each other about the stupidest things, and go to the lake near my house and just watch the water. It was everything I had always wanted out of a relationship, except the commitment. Chris was into not labeling things and just letting things happen, and since he was a year older than me, I just thought this was how “grown-up” relationships worked.
Chris graduated in May of 2007. We kept seeing each other throughout the summer, and we got closer than ever. Inside though, I was constantly having conflicting emotions about staying with him. I would stay up late at night wondering if he actually cared about me, then beating myself up for questioning his feelings when I thought they were so blatantly obvious.
There was one day in particular that he came over that was horrible. It started out good enough. We went down to the lake and just lay on the dock and talked. Then we went back to my house to watch a movie, but things went differently like usual. His head ended up in my lap, and I was playing with his hair, and I realized I really loved him. He left soon after for work, and after I closed the door, I collapsed to the ground and just started sobbing. The tears just wouldn’t stop coming as I sat on the cold hardwood and realized he would never love me the way I loved him. It was the hardest realization I had ever made, and just one of many to follow.
The rest of the summer passed in a blur of band rehearsals and cheerleading practices, and before I knew it, my senior year had started. I thought maybe this would distance Chris and me a bit, but he showed up to play rehearsals and joked around with everyone like he had never left. There was still a huge attraction between us, but everything we did we kept under secrets and lies. I felt that I should really get out of this thing before I get hurt even worse, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was afraid that I would lose a best friend as well as a sort-of boyfriend. So I kept seeing him. I liked other guys and dated other guys, but in the back of my mind there was always Chris.
Over Christmas break we hung out a lot, mostly at his apartment. One special night, I lost my virginity to him. It wasn’t everything I had expected, but I thought that we would have time for me to get used to it. But after that night, something changed between us. Chris became distant and didn’t return my texts or calls. I started blaming myself for being too clingy or wanting too much from him. What I didn’t realize was he had found someone else.
Chris never even told me he was dating her. And by her I mean a 15-year-old I went to school with that hated me. He stopped talking to me completely after we had a nasty conversation that ended with me yelling “I’ll never be good enough for you!” which was quite the truth. I was glad it was over, but at the same time I still wanted to at least talk to him and apologize. He never answered anything I sent him.
3 months later, I get a text out of the blue from him saying he was sorry he ignored me, but I needed sometime to cool off. I hated to admit it, but he was right. In those three months, I saw how horribly he treated me, and how I shouldn’t have let it go on for as long as it did. After that text, everything was fine. We went back to being the best friends we were 3 years ago. We still hang out and cause trouble, but we both know that it can’t, and won’t, go any farther than friendship. I love him because he’s my best friend, but I resent him in some ways because he really screwed up my idea of a relationship. Even now I have a hard time trusting guys and letting them get close to me. And I have yet to have a decent relationship after Chris.
I grew up a lot in those two years. I was forced to play mind games when I barely knew what I was doing. I learned the hard way how guys can be huge ass holes, and when to walk away. But most of all, I learned to love myself. Life’s lessons can be tough to learn, and this one was by far the toughest. But I’m fighter, and no one, not even Chris, can make me fall.



When things are bad and getting worse,
Keep a cookie in your purse!